As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Know Of A Better Hole...

If you don't then you won't know that our neck of The Wolds is more hilly than not. Visitors oft remark that they had expected a Cowardesque landscape of unrewarding flatness only, of course, to note on arrival and local exploration the unending undulations of it all round here.

Geology not being a lengthy suit of mine I cannot give account of why this should be, but take it from our newly enlightened visitors it is. That being so, The Wolds could well be the sort of place panicky folk would tend to aspire to when the cry goes out - as soon it must - 'Head for the hills!'

Take it from me, though, that - to paraphrase the old World War One cartoon - there are better hills to whence you should go and thus go to them you must. Why do I say this? Is it concern for your best interests that I should urge you to the Chilterns or the Cheviots rather than The Wolds when in flight from the coming doom? Could rather it be a more selfish desire on my part not to have our small space clogged with indigent incomers?

The latter I fear and also own. But why the jeremiad tone, you reasonably ask? Have I spotted something of such tremendous terror that, like the eponymous OT prophet and all round gloom-merchant, has me tonight so assured of impending disaster I must prepare myself and yourselves for the very worst?

Well, yes sadly I have. Just been listening to this knowledgeable cove on the wireless who told it straight. For, it seems, to buy now insurance against GB plc going bust - that is, to insure against the failure of British Government bonds - not only costs more than the price of the bond itself, but is also at the same rate that would be asked for insurance against the smashed RBS going down the pan.

This is truly chilling. These insurance fellows are not the crazed 'Masters of the Universe' financial types, whose deluded desires for untold wealth have hatched this whole horrid mess. No, these types are the calculating actuaries who know how to call the right odds in any bet. (Handy to have one by your side for a day at the races of course.)

So if they say that we, as a country, are heading for bankruptcy, then you'd be a foolish reader who wagered to the contrary.

We shall all be heading for the hills soon I fear. By all means do so, but just not our hills if you wouldn't mind. We'd hate to be seen as inhospitable and all that, but be advised barricades are in the making, road signs are already disappearing and our ex-SAS chemist [see much earlier] is starting survivalist evening classes.

Just off to the first one now, if you'll excuse me. 'How to cook up a nourishing broth of nettles whilst keeping a lookout for approaching strangers'. Most useful.