Horse Sense...

...as a mother said to me "When they win one of these things it makes the expense all worth while." ('One of those things' is the cherished rosette signifying success in competition.) Well yes, the cost is always a factor to consider. They also serve who only stand and spend, or as my tee-shirt reads 'Don't ask me I only pay for it'. And the 'it' of course is the horse.

My overall knowledge of the animal is strictly limited: the front end bites, the back end kicks and all the rest in between costs me arms and legs in equal and deep measure.

Better though I find than the parent, skilled in the mystery, who will harass her (generally) daughter (almost always) moments before they (horse and rider of course and not mother and daughter) enter the arena for four and a half minutes of stomach churning strain. (A dressage test at a national final for those who do not follow these things.)

Mother will bark out "Give more rein, let her loose, watch she doesn't lean, you're off the shoulder in trot, transition is better but she's still jumping into canter....etc., etc." In reply daughter will inevitably riposte in a crescendo of hysteric vitriol, "Do shut up Mother. I'm riding. You want to have a go?" (The F word will be liberally sprinkled throughout the exchange.)

I, on the other hand, being an ignoramus can only cry out, "She looks lovely. Best of luck daughter", which though not terribly informative is generally well received. There will be times when daughter will moan that all is lost before it's begun as horse is asleep or about to nap. (Funnily enough nap is not nodding off, but more pinging in the air like a vertical take-off jet fighter to demonstrate rank non-compliance with lawful rider instructions.)

Those moments are tricky. If you agree with the comment you are in a hole and if you attempt to refute the sentiment you are roundly sworn at. It's, in truth, pure nerves. We love this sport, but we hate the waiting to begin.

So in she goes and Papa nips off to video the test. 'Enter at A, down centre line to C in walk...' That much is common to any test, but after that it's all over the place. Trot 20 metre circle M to B. At X change rein. Counter-canter C to D. And so forth. (Took me ages to work out that 'X' is not a marker board, but the middle of the arena!)

The test always ends on same note too: 'Down centre line. Halt. Immobility. Salute.' (E salutes with the downward swipe as if scorning the world, the judges and all their works. More nerves.) The aftermath too is invariable: E exits with a sour face and a volley of torment about what a perfectly wretched test it was. More parental dilemma: agree and you risk being trampled; disagree and you are told you are an ignorant parent who would be dangerous if slightly less stupid.

So Stoneleigh came and went this year as before. And how did she do, you naturally ask.

Well, I oh so casually respond: "Well actually she was Reserve Champion [posh horse speak for second] in Jr Prelim and 4th in Jr Novice. Not bad really when you consider that several thousand horses and ponies would have set off in quest of this prize. And by the way, in her first Prelim round she was awarded the highest score of any horse, in any test, on both days."

If you don't know the world of horse, you will merely be expected to respond "Gosh, that's jolly good", but if you do know you'll be bound to reply "Chuffing heck. That's astonishing. Reserve Champ and a Fourth! You must be so proud."

Well yes, I am.