Fat Tax - A Modest Proposal...

...you may have heard one of Brown's hirelings on the wireless today ranting about the Government's intention to pass yet more new legislation, this time to force food producers to adopt a single system of coding their goods for fat and sugar content etc. (All cheese will necessarily have to be 'red' coded it seems.)

This, we are told, is necessary in order to tackle the rampant 'obesity crisis' that, again we are told, is threatening to overwhelm us as a nation.

I, of course, will have none of that. People know good food when they see it and if they have not the sense or will to choose to buy and consume reasonable portions of said goodly, God-given, food then let them grow 'til they burst. (Much as that wretched toad Henry VIIIth did.)

Also I - as we all are - am wretchedly fed-up with a Government that thinks the answer to any social ill is more 'command and control' legislation. (We have, thank you, the Ten Commandments of 'Thou shalt not' and that is enough for any man or nation, had we but the wit to live by them.)

It is but an oppressive, dull, lazy and ineffective way to go, and I am dismayed - if I can be bothered to be so cross - that yet again this is the best they can come up with.

H and I were discussing the matter just now. I in usual Jeremiad mode of gloom and doom, she more alert to positive alternatives.

"A fat tax," she said. "That is what we need. A tax on fat people. That would stop them eating."

And how right and logical she is. Being fat is but a personal matter of choice and taste - or rather perhaps lack of the latter. But if there is a social cost to their bulk because we must have more fuel in our aeroplanes, larger beds in our hospitals, oodles more cash to be spent on diabetic clinics, etc., etc., then let the lardies pay the price.

Need a wider, stronger seat on the 'bus because your belly hangs over your feet? Then stick your fat paw into your bulging trouser pocket and bring forth the means to pay for it. Need more nursing care because you're too bulky to wipe your own arse when in hospital, then stump up the readies for the purpose.

If you add to that fine argument the clear correlation between being fat and not being green - you require more precious energy to feed your ferocious bodily appetites - then you can see just how right this wonderful idea is in principle and purpose.

We begin a campaign tomorrow. Early ideas on the kitchen table tonight include a compulsory 'speak your weight' device in every household in the land. Citizens will be required to own up to their bulk each morning and anyone over their appointed BMI target (see how we have built the beloved target into the idea, not to mention mass compulsion - how can the Government resist?!) will be fined an incremental penalty. The charge to be debited automatically from their bank or benefit - more like - balance.

There will also be proper congestion charging called 'Fat Free Zones'. Any fatty wanting to enter a town or city centre, to the inconvenience of properly slim and svelte people, will be required to pay a fixed sum in advance. Foot patrols will look out for fatties - not in itself a terribly tricky task - and escort them out of town if they fail to show the proper 'licence to pollute'.

Power stations will be run not by coal, gas or nuclear fuel, but by fatties in treadmills as punishment for their crime. (Obesity, per se, will be the new criminal offence, not fart-arsing around with labels on packages!)

Naturally there will be Fat Reality TV too in which overweight contestants will be subject to more social opprobrium and disdain than even your most ardent indoor smoker.

All in all a thoroughly modest proposal you'll agree, and a darn fine solution to a beastly problem. Well done H!