Shark Watch...

...We have to date been spared from visitor-deterring flooding, for which great mercy much thanks. Nor are we locally greatly dependent on any passing - or adhering - tourist trade for our livelihoods. There are not a few even, it must be said, of our fine community who would not care much if they never saw anyone not born five miles from the place.

Such insularity may not seem terribly appealing in our diverse social world of today - though if fear of global warming is to replace our desire to live in one great global village by making us journey less rather than more, perhaps we may yet move back to an ancestral way of living that did tend to preclude contact with any but nearest neighbours.

It was said even by Dr Charles, GP and confidant to the village, that within his working memory he attended an old farmer who protested most vehemently when told he must surrender himself to a sojourn at the local hospital. "But Doctor," he said. "I've never touched road in my life nor do I wish to."

He meant, it seems, literally that. Not once in his entire life had he left his home farm for school, nor work, nor pleasure. His feet had only touched grass and mud their entire lifetimes. Utterly extraordinary you would say, but though an extreme case not too far from the existence of many here, and certainly quite akin to how the lives of most would have been led not sixty years ago.

But though then not great travellers ourselves, it must not be thought we don't welcome wayfarers and wanderers. As long as, that is, they do not come from too close to hand, by which I mean we have never cared much for nosey folk - as we would perceive them and they in their turn would perceive us should we pitch up on their front doors - who come by from near by villages, clearly on some devious mission of espionage, thuggery or other villainy.

Happily though will we take them from Scotland, from Swaziland or from even Southend-on-Sea - so long as they take us as they find us. We will feed them, we will water them, we will find them beds for the night and a decent meal at the Dragon Inn. We will even - should they care to attend Sunday Vespers, which few of them of course do - sing rather handsomely to them.

Unlikely that they will come to us by design it must be said, for we have little but our good selves and our mild mannered ways to attract - though I should also not wish to be seen too much to be underplaying such settled, simple goodness.

Not then very much like Cornwall on the whole you would agree, where people flock in their multitudes to partake of sun, sea, sand and now it would seem sharks of the Great White variety!

Let me not mock too much and Lord forbid some poor Cornish camper be devoured by a cruising 'Jaws', but I did have to chortle when some local dignitary opined that rumour of Great Whites was the last thing the Cornish tourist industry needed in this dismal year and would people kindly not mention The Shark!

Oh, how so like the film one instantly thought. Mustn't frighten the horses on any and all accounts was the watchword there, and how so deathly that turned out to be.

So come to The Wolds for your holidays. We may not have much other than our decent selves to give, but at present we can offer the seemly prospect of no floods and not a single Great White Shark!

Cornwall - 0 : The Wolds - 1