Sorcerer's Apprentice...

Bro. George can be so naughty at times! As well you can imagine he is a great fan of 'The Apprentice', revealing as it so unintentionally does so much that is wrong in business and in society.

Important to add though that Bro. is SAS's number one fan. [SAS if you are not up on the lingo stands for Sir Alan Sugar himself - and an apposite moniker indeed you'll agree for such a driven man.] For Bro. Geo SAS is that very rare creature in business, someone totally straight and true. His [SAS's] values may not be the Bro.'s - far from them indeed - but there is no pretence to the man and for that small mercy great thanks say we all these days.

One - leastways Bro. does - gloriously recalls SAS addressing a group of suits some years back when 'Mission Statements' were all the rage. SAS said simply "We've got a Mission Statement at Amstrad - 'We want your money.'" No highfalutin nonsense about saving mankind through ice-cream with silly new names, no elegant yet empty prose about how love of whales sustains us in our darkest hours - just plain old-fashioned manufacturing business: I make. I sell. You buy. You use.

The hoot of course of the whole thing is to see this stout and stern fellow pitched against a dozen or so wannabe imitators, who all strive so desperately hard to be like 'Master', yet who collectively cannot work out that you don't actually need to order a whole chicken for every chicken pizza you make. [See Series Two passim.]

Watching their little faces crumple when SAS draws their attention to such basic failings, after they've all cried to camera how effing brilliant they each one are, is always the main treat of the thing.

Sadly of course success has - to date - bred nothing but failure. Series One was solid with dear Tim Campbell most worthily emerging the worthy winner. (The one scandal that did rock that first boat was the improper and loaded sacking of Miriam [aka 'She' to Bro. Geo for reasons he never has quite revealed], which caused a furore of protest leading very nearly to questions in the House.)

Series Two on the other hand was an utter travesty. The Apprentice for Dummies - and I mean real dummies - with only one bright star in the sky, none other than the soi disant 'The Badger', who should have won but who did not.

Series Three is now almost upon us and, it seems, already has Bro. George in an utter lather. Needing - as is the way with these things - to up the ante, the BBC has published a ridiculous set of candidates' CVs making each one sound like Klingon warrior captain, armed with two MBAs, raging bad toothache and a persona to be avoided as the plague.

Go take a look at the website if you fancy and have a chortle with Geo. and me. Lest, though, none of them strike you as worthy winners, Geo. has sent me through - under strictest seal of confidentiality - a thirteenth and surprise entrant who - a la 'Big Brother', which this show more and more resembles - will be sprung on the housemates in Week Seven.

It is, therefore, my very special privilege to introduce you to: Beatrice Bowhandle, Queen of the Night and soon-to-be crowned Sorcerer's Apprentice 2007...

Beatrice Bowhandle began her thrusting career at the age of three, selling bits of string stolen from her father's workshop to passing strangers in the street.

Investing her profits in cans of paraffin, she sold these at extortionate rates to housebound pensioners before securing a prime management position with a national retail organisation on the strength of her one GCSE in map-reading. During her first six minutes with the company, turnover increased three-fold and seven new operating sites were opened in the Ukraine.

Rapidly rising through the promotion ranks leaving others trailing in her wake, Beatrice was eventually seconded to the Argentinian wing of a Mafioski company specialising in people smuggling. Taking time off to have a number of babies, Beatrice soon realised there was money to be made hiring out her cute infants to beggars on the London Underground.

Harvard beckoned next, where Beatrice outshone an entire generation of American scholars. Returning to the UK last year, not quite having completed her studies, in the hope of reconnecting with her children who had mostly been taken into care, Beatrice has turned down the chance to guide Gordon Brown through the first crucial 100 days of his forthcoming Premiership to appear on The Apprentice.

'If there's one word that sums me up,' said Ms. Bowman 'It's utterly ruthless, a warrior, a princess, a not so much go-getter as got-getter and, essentially, a poor excuse for a human being.'

Beatrice intends to win the Apprentice by the Week Ten using insider knowledge of Amstrad accountancy practices down the years.

In her spare time, Beatrice spies on her neighbours and has successfully shopped three illegal immigrants, seven single parents who hadn't paid their TV licence and fourteen ASBO absconders.

Her final great aim in life is to be reconciled with her father. He hasn't spoken to her since he found out about the string.