The Full Monty...

Glorious news reaches us - enough almost to dispel the gloom of our defeat on the field of play - Monty Panesar has just been awarded the much coveted 'Beard of the Year' award for 2006, beating such luminaries to the title as Fidel Castro, Bill Bryson and [oh horror!] George Galloway.

A worthy, nay heroic, winner our 'full Monty'. The prize is, it seems, in the gift of the self-styled 'Beard Liberation Front', a wheeze established by a disaffected Socialist in protest at the New Labour dictat that henceforth all party members must smarten up for the Meejah and whisk off the whiskers, as it were.

Now in general - and in particular - I am not a beard person, despite having sported the occasional and transient winter-warmer. My line on the matter of beards as a fashion and facial accessory was best given by the late, great Father G of Q, who on being asked if he had ever had a beard, replied after due consideration of the matter and a checking of the memory banks "Yes, but never for more than a day or two."

Monty of course wears his as a facet of his religion and is therefore exempt from the general sanction. In fact, would it not be helpful to the team effort as a whole if Capt'n Freddie et al. showed their utter distaste of and disdain for everything that New Labour stands for by growing a beard?

Indeed I see now why it is same T. Blair's fault that we have lost the cricket - I knew it would come to me - had he not insisted that the country go clean shaven, then eleven bearded W G Graces would have bestrode the Colossus of Oz, bringing home both the bacon and the Ashes.