Banged Up and Locked Out...

T E Lawrence in Search of Motor Insurance for his Camel

...Bro. Charles and I are one in decrying the miserable failure of modern systems to deliver what is wanted by the hapless individual, crushed as he or she is by the relentless, ruthless Juggernaut of modern 'customer-focused' processes.

He, perhaps, takes a more professional view of the matter, whilst I merely rail against the sheer absurdity of the matter.

The other evening, in search of the simple matter of renewal of motor car insurance - having checked that the quote offered by one's usual company was largely a good enough deal - one went on-line in order to complete the purchase, tempted by the possibility of a discount for transacting the purchase that way.

Not being entirely versed in the ways of the Web I found myself making several neophyte mistakes in entering my 'data'. This resulted in my being told that my putative account was 'locked' and further access would be denied for a short period of time. [What is it with me and locks at the moment? See previous.]

The imposition of this 'anti-custodial' sentence - being locked out rather than banged up - clearly had John Reid's fingerprints all over it, though maybe one should merely be grateful one was not thrown in literal chokey for failure to observe lawful Internet commands - a grave offence you will agree.

So abandoning the Internet with a certain regret - the loss of the on-line discount - I turned, as one does, to the telephone in order to conduct my business with a sentient Human Bean. Said sentient Human Bean was a flurry of helpfulness and within some fifty seconds or so our deal was struck: they - motor car insurance for the rector; me - payment for the purchase. Done deal and all that modern jazz.

Ah, but then it all came unstuck - there was a problem with my credit card. Not the usual sort of difficulty one can, with hideous embarrassment, suffer: "I'm sorry to say Sir, but your credit card appears not to have been accepted. Would Sir have an alternative means of payment? Or would Sir and Madam care to accompany my waiter into the kitchen for a couple of hours hard washing of dishes?" (That sort of frightful thing we all have nightmares about.)

Sentient and swift Human Bean asked me if I had been on the Internet but a short while before. I could see at once where this was leading: the 'lock out' activated on-line applied - according to their inflexible system - to any contact between the prisoner and the public for the duration of the sentence.

Swift and sentient apologies were offered by the Human Bean for the madness of it all. There was, however, no appealing the judgement of the system or of the machine. Options offered were to re-transact the entire process in half an hour, pass over my details to the 'back office' for later processing, or, finally, for super Human Bean to undertake the task on my behalf - once I was released back into the community - and thence to phone me to tell me it was job done.

One knows from experience that the last option is, indeed, the choice of last resort for the enslaved Human Bean, who will lose Brownie points for having to work twice a contact rather than striping it down as one more 'contact closed' case, moving thence swiftly on to the next call. Decent then of him to offer - an offer I had no hesitation in accepting, as it caused me minimum of extra effort plus optimum assurance that my insurance would be guaranteed.

And thus we progressed. A hour or so later - clearly then no remission of sentence for good behaviour on my part - excellent Human Bean telephoned to inform me that all was accomplished.

I blame the system. (So does Bro. Charles. He always does blame the 'system'. It's a management consultant thing apparently, though it does tend to make him come across as a particularly paranoid anarchist from the late Seventies.)

But I also blame New Labour in general and John Reid in particular for creating this terrible mess in the first place. No more lock-outs Mr Reid if you please!